Shawleynott's Blog

“It’s no good being scared if you don’t scream properly,” says the President of Shawley Nott’s Scream Club. “Following a sighting of the Headless Horse Horseman (see 3 Mar), one villager screamed like a constipated otter. And after catching sight of the Brotherhood of the Headless Chicken (see 12 Mar), another hit such a high-pitched note that three bats dropped dead from the church eaves. It’s just not on. And what’s more, I don’t expect to arrive at a scene with a silver bullet in my revolver to find a villager disturbed by Nifty Briskflash standing naked in the bushes. Nifty shouldn’t merit a werewolf-type scream, no matter what he’s exposing. Anyway, I started the Scream Club, so that we could practice screams that reflect the nature of the distress.”
Apparently several villagers go to the monthly practice, although Enid Schwarzenhoppen has been banned for yodelling, since the Club is looking to practice screams rather than experience a cause of them.
The club secretary, Major Voyce-Box, has instituted scream grading, from grade one to five, based on pitch, duration and variation of tone. Cyril Tonnage has failed miserably to achieve any form of consistency, although his efforts have won him the role of Tarzan in the village drama society production of Tarzan versus Godzilla. Doreen Growler will be reprising her role as Godzilla, having seen off Mr. Trubshaw’s King Kong over three nights last year.
The Major explains: “When I hear a scream, I want to know why. A grade five is a vampire or werewolf threat, whereas grade two could be a witch. I did attend an incident last month when Sybil Primanpropper screamed to level three, which was because she’d found her husband wearing her clothes again. We forgave her, and having witnessed his appearance on arrival myself, frankly I’m surprised she didn’t go higher.”