Shawleynott's Blog

“I just got fed up with them hanging around the village, arms dangling lifelessly at their sides, and occasionally grunting,” explains village entrepreneur Mavis Haggle. “So I set up the Zombie Employment Agency to offer them jobs. Even dead-end ones. Which they’re rather suited to, actually.”
Mavis has a good eye for business, whereas some of the zombies just have a good eye. “I’ve tried to teach them to talk rather than to grunt or wail,” Mavis continues, “but invariably when they speak their teeth tend to fall out. Also, decomposition can be a problem. I shook hands with one of them, he left the office, and when I went to use my keyboard I realised that I still had his hand in mine. That was quite a shock I can tell you. When I let go, it scuttled across the desk and went for Possum, the office cat. However, we’ve managed to place three zombies as scarecrows, and one as a shop mannequin. Surprisingly, the majority have been employed as Customer Service representatives. Apparently they’re good at handling complaints, because after several grunts and no human reaction at all, those complaining just give up. The village bank has four.”
“For assistance, the council authorised members of the Shawley Nott Football Club to stand with shovels in the graveyard, so that the zombies could have some help getting through the turf. But a mix up meant the players thought themselves a line of defence, and as the ‘living dead’ rose they smacked them over the head. I don’t want to expand on the zombies action, but afterwards most of the first eleven could dig a trench to their rear by bending and straightening their knees. You can’t say zombies don’t have a sense of humour.”